I believe?

I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you some of my personal beliefs.

I believe that everyone thinks they can write. This is not true. It is true, however, that everyone can try.

I believe that the Laws of Karma do not apply to show business, where good things happen to bad people on a fairly regular basis. I believe that what doesn't kill us makes us bitter. I believe that the obsessive worship of movie and TV figures is more likely to produce emotional stability and gain than waiting for the government to do right or for the Super Eagles to win ANY trophies.

I believe my parents are secretly proud of me. I believe that if you can't find anything nice to say about people whom you've helped to make wildly successful and then they stabbed you in the back, then don't say anything at all because nobody will believe your story that you were M.I’s school father and he’s using your lyrics.

I believe that beer is a gateway drug that leads, inevitably, to vodka and somebody oughta do something about it.

I believe that the guy who invented those speed bumps in the freeway that snap you back into consciousness when you're drifting into sleep in your booze induced haze and headed off the road on your merry way to flying outta your windscreen to hug a friendly neighbourhood transformer, should be shot.

I believe that there are actually several cures for foolishness, and the best one is a “koboko”.

I believe that earlier, I erroneously believed that beer was a gateway drug that led to vodka. After intensive consultation with iBlend executives, I now believe I was very, very wrong. Beer is good. Vodka is better. Especially vodka distbrewed by major manufacturers, and enjoyed in a responsible fashion.

I believe I've spent my life expecting people to behave in a certain way. I believe that when they didn't behave according to my expectations, I became angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful. I believe these expectations are the reason I've been angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful more than I care to admit.

I believe that in public bathrooms, using the "children's urinal" will make you feel like a giant.
I believe making a porn movie that lasts longer than ten minutes is pointless.
I believe that sometimes sex just seems like a lot of work.
I believe that most of us only floss so that our partners or dentists will be proud of us.
I believe that even when asked, a man will never be able to "talk dirty" to a woman without feeling like a complete idiot. 

As a result, I now believe my expectations are the real problem. I believe that everyone has this very same problem, and they ought to start acting accordingly...