Sir, A word...If I May...

It’s amazing what a man will learn when he’s in love.

I’d always prided myself on being a pretty darn good drinker. At least I enjoyed the hell out of it. I’ll get back to that first line in a second.

I know all the medical/health implications, I know pretty much every single ingredient and chemical process involved in the creation of possibly every alcoholic beverage known to man.

To top it all off, drinking is pretty darned fun. There. When you strip all the clothes off the issue, that’s what it really is in its stark beauty. It’s fun dammit.

The women look better [this increases in proportion to the amount imbibed of course], the colors are brighter, and the delivery on every one of your jokes is that much better. Everywhere feels more comfortable, and if done right, all will be well with the world… for a while anyway.

If done right.

And that’s my point. See, when I started, it was all about being rebellious, edgy and transgressive [as with most new drinkers].

It took a longer time than I’d have hoped for and more than anything, the concern of a person who might very well may be the most amazing, beautiful woman in the world [“very well might be” because I really don’t want to argue about it, cos as far as I'm concerned she is and always will be].

The combination of booze and retrospect is a beautiful thing – looking back on your troubles – at home, school, work or wherever, you’ll find yourself deliciously unhinged, detached, from fear, responsibility and even expectation.

And so, for a while, you see a new side to you – an alter ego, if you will. You get the eye of the tiger. You’re braver, you say stuff that should be said and [usually] some that shouldn’t.

You seem to be that bolder person you’ve always wanted to be. You can walk up to that girl/guy and ask them out [or snog ‘em]. This is your moment and you own it. Nothing and no one can stop you now.

Now, what you absolutely must do and I do mean MUST…is realize that these are simply ILLUSIONS.

Fun Illusions, but nonetheless, ILLUSIONS!

Many a drinker – even older ones, are simply not self-aware. Look inward.

The truth is that there’s drinking and there’s drinking right. And trust me you wanna drink right.

Go out sometime make sure you are less drunk [if not sober] than everyone around you. If you have one working brain cell, a few questions will come to you.

When you look around you will most likely catch sight of the shouter, the puncher, the “this bill is not correct” guy, the lewd ass grabber, the comatose drunk, the staggerer, the name dropper, etc.

There’s always one around.

Understand that this guy has no idea what people think about him, what he looks like or that he is actually being that. Accept that on this journey you will at one point or another be one or all of these guys. You don’t have to be.

Do not chug. Do not slouch. Do not holler “whoo-hoo..” after a shot.

Do not slam anything but tequilas and even those – in moderation. Always remember that a 60cl bottle of Gulder, Star or Guinness are to be drunk from glasses or mugs. Anything larger that 30-35cl should be set down and poured from not lifted and gulped from – you are not a member of NWA sucking on a 40 ouncer by the liquor store.

Walk into a bar like you’ve been there before but do not be too shy to ask their prices before you order.

Duck out if you can’t afford it ‘cos there’s more dignity in that than having your phone seized and then kicked out.

Know your poison. Don’t go ordering drinks on whims.

Do not be caught dead with ice in your wine or champagne (that goes for your beer too).

If you drink beer often and much, there is the inexplicable desire to eat…something with meat in it. Or that is meat based. Resist this. For on that path lies the near un-losable beer belly.

5 bottles of beer (or more) + Pepper soup/ Nkwobi/ Shawarma (?) + Dinner at home + the “anti-hangover” gallon of water = BEER GUT! This formula holds infinitely truer than E=mc2!

If the bottle has it’s ingredients written on it and it says something like: Water, Ethanol and Gin/Rum flavouring…IT’S NOT GIN OR RUM… Please walk away.

There’s no rush. Drinking should NEVER be the event in itself.

Quit. For a while. A week. A month. A decade. It really doesn’t matter, just leave it for a while. Feel the absence, miss it.

Start again if you want to. But you’ll probably be better at it.

Eventually, you’ll develop your own style. With some luck and discipline, you might find yourself having a different drink for different occasions – a nice sunny cocktail for the beach, Hennessey for the clubs, martinis for the lounge and beers for the soccer game. A bartender who whips up your drink as soon has he spots you.

You might even meet some fresh faced young drinker and offer him some of this advice, along with all that you already know while you smile at the pretty girls strutting about. Take a sip of your drink , smile and tell yourself because of all this and in spite of it:… Drinking is pretty darned good dammit.

Farewell then… ‘till Blackberry Bolds grow on Blackberry bushes…Make mine a Double Repbulikkan!!!